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Home > more sickness... and some deep thinking.

more sickness... and some deep thinking.

May 27th, 2008 at 10:19 pm

Well, the sore throat got worse as yesterday wore on. I kept popping Motrin pills, but never felt the fever break at all. To top it all off, right before I decided it would be best to just try and sleep, BF started vomiting at regular intervals.

Apparently he had thrown up once yesterday afternoon, but he thought it was just some hotdogs he had eaten from a nearby gas station. But he ended up sleeping on an air mattress in an extra bedroom, and I ended up on the couch for most of the night. We are trying desperately not to pass whatever we have to each other. So now it's afternoon time and I have only seen him like 4 times today (mostly for his trips to the bathroom). I know he feels terrible, and I just hope that the sleep he's getting will help.

As for me, I was up for about half the night because my throat wouldn't let me sleep, so I'd fix myself a hot cup of tea. When I woke up this morning, I knew I couldn't go to work, so I called in. I always hate to call in, but today has just been the type of day when I couldn't even make myself care. I found some Vicks cough syrup which seemed to help for a bit, but I still can't get the scratchy feeling in my throat to go away long enough for me to sleep. I hate when it feels so dry and scratchy to breathe.

So here we are... I feel like the whole day has been wasted, but hopefully the rest and inactivity will do us all some good. I offered to work on Thursday (my day off) to make up for today, but I'm secretly hoping that they don't want me to, since the pup has a vet appt that morning that I don't want to reschedule. I also need to see about getting my truck towed on Thursday.

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And now on to something a little different. I have been thinking alot today, I guess because I haven't been able to do much else, and BF has been in solitary confinement most of the time.

Attending the wedding this weekend was stressful for me, and I didn't expect it to be at all. There I was, standing with BF and his parents, getting ready to deliver our wedding gifts and socialize with his family, when I spotted the bride-to-be taking some pre-wedding pictures under a huge oak tree. And that's when it hit me... that nasty, horrible tingle of jealousy.

At first I didn't really realize what was going on, because we were constantly talking to different relatives and friends, and I didn't have time to really analyze how I felt. But as the afternoon wore on, it got worse.

Now that I've had a little time to analyze things, I guess I've figured it out.

First of all, they have known each other for a little over a year now, and they're already getting married. I know alot of people would just look at that as silly... but I refuse to say that they're not ready, so it just seems unfair to me. BF & I have been dating about 3 1/2 years, and there I was in the crowd watching this all take place.

Then there's the fact that she's younger than me (and BF too), only 20 I believe. It wouldn't be a big deal if they were both older and established, but the fact that she is 20 makes it worse.

So I guess I had an inkling of jealousy somewhere inside me before I even got to the wedding on Saturday. But then seeing her, smiling and happy, and really beautiful, it just got worse. How sad is that?

She's skinny (even though she's almost 4 months pregnant), beautiful, and has such an outgoing personality. And the wedding site was beautiful, it was at her grandparent's house in our hometown, and the weather couldn't have been better for them. Everybody had a great time, and even though we had been there for about 5 hours by the time the reception was really coming to an end, nobody seemed to get bored or want to leave.

Then at the after-party, there was a moment when one of BF's uncles was joking with her about family traditions, and she said "Man, I love this family already!" I just felt so crappy after that. Of course, she has every right to say it, she is an official part of that family now, and everybody loves her I'm sure. But I just couldn't help thinking, "You don't even KNOW this family!"

Ugh... I don't even know what to say at this point. I hate that I feel this way. I think BF sensed that something was wrong at the after-party, but I didn't want to tell him that I was in a bad mood because I was jealous.

I guess it all boils down to the fact that I've always been a logical person. My whole life, I've based decisions and expectations on the theory that in the end, things are pretty fair, and you get out what you put in.

And now, I just feel like it's sort of unfair. She's younger than me, she has no set career path that she's worked for, they've only been dating a year, and she barely knows the family. And yet now, she's an official part of it, and I'm not.

For anyone still reading this... don't get me wrong. I know it sounds pathetic, stupid, and juvenile. I don't like feeling jealous, but I think it's important that I recognize the feelings for what they are, so that I can deal with the causes.

So my conclusions... I have realized somewhere along the lines today that part of my insecurity and jealousy stems from a feeling that I can't change anything. I felt helpless because she was skinny and I'm not, because she was glammed-up and outgoing, and I'm not necessarily. And I felt like I had been cheated, that in a way, it should've been my wedding they were attending.

But now I've realized that if I want to be skinny, I can be. I've been slowly losing a pound or two here and there, and I haven't even been dieting. But I know I would feel better about myself if I was thinner, and I would feel healthier too.

I've also realized that when BF & I do have our wedding, the people that we really care about will understand our story. They will understand what we have been through in our relationship, the sacrifices we have made, and how much we mean to each other. The people that really matter will know how much our wedding means, and it won't matter if it's the second, third, or hundredth one they've been to in a year.

So I think I've come away from this weekend with a healthier point of view, and a renewed sense of self.

Now I know that everything will be fine, that it's not a competition to see who has the fanciest wedding or who great-uncle Mike likes best. I have also realized that if I am jealous of girls because they get glammed up to go shopping or because they are "girly", then I should quit complaining and do something about it. I don't have to stay the same way I was in middle school, a tomboy who only gets dressed up for special occassions. I may never be high-maintenance (and I don't want to be), but if painting my nails or obsessing about my hair makes me feel better about myself, then I can do that.

Okay, I know I'm rambling. I'm sick, give me a break.

If you got lost reading all that, I basically just decided to go on a diet and get to looking the way I want to look, and live the way I want to live.

9 Responses to “more sickness... and some deep thinking.”

  1. Louise Says:
    1211933645

    the first step to recovery is to admit you have a problem..lol or in your case are a bit jealous. honestly i would be to. I have the opposite thing going on, I want to be bigger and i envy "healthy" looking individuals, I stand 5'8 160 pounds but I look like i am 110 or something....whatever. point is you went, made your presence and called it joe, trust me, someone always wants to be where you are....
    take care

  2. threebeansalad Says:
    1211938613

    We all suffer from jealousy. But remember things aren't always as great as they seem on the outside. Life isn't a competition, either. Focus on your life and what you can do to make it the life you want it to be!

  3. pjmama Says:
    1211943037

    haha. You sound just like me. I have to say that I've been bitten by the jealousy bug here and there. BF's twin brother is married, has an adorable 6-month old, and owns a house. While he's not particularly happy, he does have these things and it kind of feels like someone's kicking my biological clock every time I pick the baby up or look at wedding photos hanging on the wall. Of course, I'm in that boat of people who have only been dating 6 months or so. In my defense, however, I know the family quite well already Smile
    And you get total slack for being sick. Us sick girls have to stick together Smile

  4. Petunia Says:
    1211943420

    I read through the whole thing and chuckled a bit at your summary. . . go for it! Be as thin and girly as you want to be! (I'll join you, LOL, I have a long way to go.) It's easy to get caught up in the emotionalism of a wedding but the wedding is one day. . . the marriage is a lifetime. Lay the foundation for the marriage and you won't be disappointed.

  5. baselle Says:
    1211951524

    Wow - 20 and she will be hip deep in diapers at 21. That day was her day. Soon she won't have a free day to spare. And the "already" piece in her comments sounded pretty ominous to my 46 yr old ears. Like she knows that she's rushing things.

    Don't mind me - being a crone becomes me. Big Grin

  6. reflectionite Says:
    1211968121

    i have sort of had a similar experience, i have seen lots of girls i went to school with, nearly four or five years ago, now all getting married, and lots more having kids.
    the thing is i'm not really that jealous because i think it's ridiculous. marriage isn't that important to me and i think that nowadays especially with all the divorce that goes on, it's even more important to spend a longer time getting to know your spouse.

  7. Jane Says:
    1211980611

    I get wistful at weddings like every girl does, but I have to agree with baselle- I'm 21 and the thought of already having kids makes the walls feel a little closer. I'm not saying there isn't the rare person who is truly ready for marriage and family at that age, but most of my friends this age aren't with the same person they were a year ago and won't be with their current honey after graduation. Although I totally understand envying her the wedding itself, I would be more inclined to pity a girl who is pregnant at 20 and so has a lot of her choices for the next 20 years made automatically. I suspect that when your day does come you will have fewer regrets in the long run for doing things the smart way. Hang in there!

  8. koppur Says:
    1211986344

    I think you are doing a great job already. You have figured out what it is that will make you feel better and have decided to make that happen. Keep going...you'll do great!

  9. sillyoleme Says:
    1212326399

    Thanks to everyone for your thoughts! It made me feel better just to get all that off my chest. And now that it's a week after the wedding, I'm feeling better about it all anyway. (And I've lost a pound, haha!)

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