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Archive for May, 2008

more sickness... and some deep thinking.

May 27th, 2008 at 09:19 pm

Well, the sore throat got worse as yesterday wore on. I kept popping Motrin pills, but never felt the fever break at all. To top it all off, right before I decided it would be best to just try and sleep, BF started vomiting at regular intervals.

Apparently he had thrown up once yesterday afternoon, but he thought it was just some hotdogs he had eaten from a nearby gas station. But he ended up sleeping on an air mattress in an extra bedroom, and I ended up on the couch for most of the night. We are trying desperately not to pass whatever we have to each other. So now it's afternoon time and I have only seen him like 4 times today (mostly for his trips to the bathroom). I know he feels terrible, and I just hope that the sleep he's getting will help.

As for me, I was up for about half the night because my throat wouldn't let me sleep, so I'd fix myself a hot cup of tea. When I woke up this morning, I knew I couldn't go to work, so I called in. I always hate to call in, but today has just been the type of day when I couldn't even make myself care. I found some Vicks cough syrup which seemed to help for a bit, but I still can't get the scratchy feeling in my throat to go away long enough for me to sleep. I hate when it feels so dry and scratchy to breathe.

So here we are... I feel like the whole day has been wasted, but hopefully the rest and inactivity will do us all some good. I offered to work on Thursday (my day off) to make up for today, but I'm secretly hoping that they don't want me to, since the pup has a vet appt that morning that I don't want to reschedule. I also need to see about getting my truck towed on Thursday.

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And now on to something a little different. I have been thinking alot today, I guess because I haven't been able to do much else, and BF has been in solitary confinement most of the time.

Attending the wedding this weekend was stressful for me, and I didn't expect it to be at all. There I was, standing with BF and his parents, getting ready to deliver our wedding gifts and socialize with his family, when I spotted the bride-to-be taking some pre-wedding pictures under a huge oak tree. And that's when it hit me... that nasty, horrible tingle of jealousy.

At first I didn't really realize what was going on, because we were constantly talking to different relatives and friends, and I didn't have time to really analyze how I felt. But as the afternoon wore on, it got worse.

Now that I've had a little time to analyze things, I guess I've figured it out.

First of all, they have known each other for a little over a year now, and they're already getting married. I know alot of people would just look at that as silly... but I refuse to say that they're not ready, so it just seems unfair to me. BF & I have been dating about 3 1/2 years, and there I was in the crowd watching this all take place.

Then there's the fact that she's younger than me (and BF too), only 20 I believe. It wouldn't be a big deal if they were both older and established, but the fact that she is 20 makes it worse.

So I guess I had an inkling of jealousy somewhere inside me before I even got to the wedding on Saturday. But then seeing her, smiling and happy, and really beautiful, it just got worse. How sad is that?

She's skinny (even though she's almost 4 months pregnant), beautiful, and has such an outgoing personality. And the wedding site was beautiful, it was at her grandparent's house in our hometown, and the weather couldn't have been better for them. Everybody had a great time, and even though we had been there for about 5 hours by the time the reception was really coming to an end, nobody seemed to get bored or want to leave.

Then at the after-party, there was a moment when one of BF's uncles was joking with her about family traditions, and she said "Man, I love this family already!" I just felt so crappy after that. Of course, she has every right to say it, she is an official part of that family now, and everybody loves her I'm sure. But I just couldn't help thinking, "You don't even KNOW this family!"

Ugh... I don't even know what to say at this point. I hate that I feel this way. I think BF sensed that something was wrong at the after-party, but I didn't want to tell him that I was in a bad mood because I was jealous.

I guess it all boils down to the fact that I've always been a logical person. My whole life, I've based decisions and expectations on the theory that in the end, things are pretty fair, and you get out what you put in.

And now, I just feel like it's sort of unfair. She's younger than me, she has no set career path that she's worked for, they've only been dating a year, and she barely knows the family. And yet now, she's an official part of it, and I'm not.

For anyone still reading this... don't get me wrong. I know it sounds pathetic, stupid, and juvenile. I don't like feeling jealous, but I think it's important that I recognize the feelings for what they are, so that I can deal with the causes.

So my conclusions... I have realized somewhere along the lines today that part of my insecurity and jealousy stems from a feeling that I can't change anything. I felt helpless because she was skinny and I'm not, because she was glammed-up and outgoing, and I'm not necessarily. And I felt like I had been cheated, that in a way, it should've been my wedding they were attending.

But now I've realized that if I want to be skinny, I can be. I've been slowly losing a pound or two here and there, and I haven't even been dieting. But I know I would feel better about myself if I was thinner, and I would feel healthier too.

I've also realized that when BF & I do have our wedding, the people that we really care about will understand our story. They will understand what we have been through in our relationship, the sacrifices we have made, and how much we mean to each other. The people that really matter will know how much our wedding means, and it won't matter if it's the second, third, or hundredth one they've been to in a year.

So I think I've come away from this weekend with a healthier point of view, and a renewed sense of self.

Now I know that everything will be fine, that it's not a competition to see who has the fanciest wedding or who great-uncle Mike likes best. I have also realized that if I am jealous of girls because they get glammed up to go shopping or because they are "girly", then I should quit complaining and do something about it. I don't have to stay the same way I was in middle school, a tomboy who only gets dressed up for special occassions. I may never be high-maintenance (and I don't want to be), but if painting my nails or obsessing about my hair makes me feel better about myself, then I can do that.

Okay, I know I'm rambling. I'm sick, give me a break.

If you got lost reading all that, I basically just decided to go on a diet and get to looking the way I want to look, and live the way I want to live.

sick, tired, and stressed.

May 26th, 2008 at 10:07 pm

Get the feeling this is going to be a happy entry? lol. Actually, things aren't so bad.

We made the 8 hour trip home this weekend, in the middle of Memorial Weekend traffic, to attend BF's cousin's wedding. We left Friday at 6:30 (when I got home from work), and arrived at 3:15 AM Saturday morning. Then we had to wake up at 9:30 to visit our banks in that state before they closed, and then headed to the wedding at 3:30. Left there at 8:30, went to my parent's house to change clothes, then back to BF's parents to sleep. Sunday we went back to my parent's house before leaving at 1:30. Arrived home about 9:30 last night, and had to get up at 6 AM for work today.

Needless to say, I was a little tired for work today, and feeling a little sick to boot. At first it was just a sore throat & aching ears, but as the day progressed, I acquired a constantly running nose, sneezing, coughing, and what felt like a fever. Bleh.

So now I'm home, and we've decided to have Chinese food tonight. We've been doing pretty well about cooking at home (although not tracking expenses like I want to), so I thought we'd treat ourselves while we recover. I just hope I don't pass whatever I have to BF.

So what else... an upcoming expense will be the starter for my truck & the tow bill to get it there. We called to get estimates, seems like the repair will run about $300, plus about $90 for the tow. We've started to talk about a new (to me) car, but who knows. I really don't want the payment, but with gas prices increasing like they are, and my truck's reliability seeming to fail, I think it's something we can't totally ignore.

Another expense... the pup's vet visit. We have it scheduled for Thursday so we can both go, and we're hoping to hear some not-so-bad news. His hip has started acting up, and now he won't put any weight on that back leg. BF said he read that it might be a condition that alot of his breed get, which requires surgery to fix. So we're hoping for the best... even though we're not sure what that is.

Our finances are slowly starting to get simpler. BF was able to close his old savings & checking account this weekend, but we didn't have time to close mine. Hopefully by the time he goes home next month for his other cousin's wedding, we can finally put that account to rest as well.

I also acted on a balance transfer offer that I received from one of my credit cards, and so now the Discover balance has been added to the State Farm card. There is 6.5% interest on the amount until July of 2009, and because I've been paying 17% on that card, it should help some.

A bit of good news is that my company is waiving our health & dental insurance premiums for two pay periods (4 weeks). Apparently the premiums decreased for this year, so they are not making us pay at all for two paychecks. That will be about $80 total.

Most of our bills are paid for this month, but I am nervous that we're forgetting something. I am attempting to create an Excel document for us to use, if I can ever find time and create something workable. My idea is to make something with our savings/debts balances in one section, and then monthly income/expense tracker in another. We'll see.

Well, I'm starting to feel a little worse, so I suppose I'd better get off here and rest a bit. Hope everyone else is well!

too many variables...

May 14th, 2008 at 02:26 am

Not much new to add today. I had to work, and then came home to have tacos for dinner with BF.

I've decided to start tracking each purchase again, but I'll probably wait until the the last week of May or beginning of June to do so. We worked on our joint budget a few days ago, and made alot of progress, but there are still alot of variables at this point. We have exact amounts on all our debt except for BF's car loan, so he has to call and get the payoff on that. I just like to know where we stand on everything.

The way it looks now, BF needs to find a job making at least $8/hour (shouldn't be too hard around this area), and then he'll need to work at least 38 hrs/week. Hopefully he'll get one making at least $9.50, which would mean less hours that he'd HAVE to work, but more money for the Wedding Fund if he did.

We plan to work on my truck on Thursday (my day off). Some of the guys at my work have given me some advice on determining if it's the starter, so we're going to try a few different things on Thursday morning, and then if it doesn't work, try to get it towed somewhere Thursday afternoon. Hopefully we'll get it figured out somehow.

As for this blog, I have updated much of it with our "joint" information, but it's a bit depressing. The total debt & expenses obviously increased with BF's addition to the household. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not that our debt really INCREASED that much, just that we've combined it into one place now. I'm glad that I started this blog when I did, because I think it will make it much easier for us to keep track of our joint expenses and budget now.

Anyway, time to crunch some more numbers and then hit the sack. Smile

It's Been A While...

May 12th, 2008 at 01:27 am

...since I posted last.

Things have certainly changed! BF is here, he actually ended up coming up a day early to surprise me (although he ended up telling me the night before), hehe. We have made the trip back to our home state for my college graduation, and my family had a bonfire party to celebrate, so that was awesome.

My truck has decided to quit starting completely, so thank goodness I've had BF's car to drive to work the last week. It's not starting at all now, so we're not sure if it's still the clutch switch or if it's the starter, battery, etc. Either way, we have to get it fixed soon. We bought some fuel injector cleaner tonight, and we're going to try that before we call to get it towed to the shop. *crosses fingers*

As for the budget... I'm ashamed to say that we haven't even had one written down for this month. Things have been so hectic with trying to close our old bank accounts, rearranging direct deposits and bills, odd expenses, and traveling, that it's been almost impossible.

Along the way, I've figured out that apparently my bi-weekly pay fluctuates according to how many hours I work. Not a big deal, except that I am on "salary". Why do they call it salary if I get paid less for 39 hours compared to 40 hours/week? And for overtime, I only get paid HALF my normal hourly rate. It's odd, but at least now I know to make sure I get in my full 40 hours if I want the exact paycheck.

BF is anxious to begin looking for a job here. Our original plan was for him to get one the week after we came back from my graduation, but that couldn't exactly happen with me having to drive his car to work. Even more reason for us to get my truck fixed soon.

There is a positive side to him being at home though (besides the fact that I get to see him more)... there is a lot less stress about the pup. He doesn't have to stay in his crate all day, and he sleeps pretty well at night. We've come a long way with the house training, the only issue now is that since we share the responsibility, sometimes we both let it slip our minds that he needs to go out. Usually we remember when we see him start circling, but every now and then we end up cleaning up a mess. But definitely alot better.

Since pretty much my whole budget will have to be redone with our new situation, I have alot of updating to do. I'll try to get to the My Budget page, as well as the debt/savings amounts on my sidebar. I'll have to include all of BF's expenses, and calculate about how much he'll need to be bringing in every month to cover the excess. My debts will probably go up a bit from last time, since I put many of my purchases on my Discover Card until I could transfer money from my old checking to my new. I haven't sent that bill in yet, so the balance is still there. I want the updated amount on my sidebar anyway.

Well... guess I'd better get to updating. I've missed reading everyone's blogs and updating my own. Kind of felt out of control when I wasn't posting my daily expenses or recording every small milestone in savings. It's good to be back. Smile

---> Forgot to add... WE FINALLY GOT A COUCH!!! YAY! Actually, we got a matching set of brown leather sofa & loveseat. I feel like we got a pretty good deal too, both for $1000 delivered. We stumbled on a place that was going out of business (they were right beside a Value City Furniture, go figure), and they cut the price down for us nicely. They even threw in four really nice throw pillows that match the leather on the couches. AND now I can mark that as one goal finished on my sidebar. We're thrilled. Smile